No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
