distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
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