I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
