my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
