Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
