you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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