if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
