I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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