Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
