ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
