There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Randomize
