Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
