I just saw a hot homeless man
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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