I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
