never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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