the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
