I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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