She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
The best revenge is premature balding
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Let's paint friendship bongs
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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