yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
