Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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