Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
