I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
