i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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