Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
