...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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