apparently the secret to your success is patron
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
