I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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