Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
