Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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