Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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