why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
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