Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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