one two three fourrrrnication!
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
