I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
