She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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