You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
