i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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