i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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