So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
