I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
There r osticjed everywhere
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
