i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
