i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
