I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
