remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Randomize
