i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
