you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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