She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
