I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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