I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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