Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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