Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
