I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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